The Natatorium

An emporium of oddities from around the world, complete with somewhat informative plaques that almost never match the item they are meant to be describing.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Back Again

I've been avoiding writing this entry for a few weeks now, but at this point I think there's just no getting around it anymore. Part of my avoidance has been a resistance talking about this, and another part of it is weariness at dealing with all the drama at people's reactions. That sounds horrible, because I know that I should be grateful for expressions of sympathy and support, but I guess it's just hard to deal with sometimes when I feel more like hiding under the covers than talking to anyone. That said, don't feel like you can't say what you want in response to this entry, or even email me or call me or something. I really do appreciate it, I just may not be very responsive.

So, with that hype, here it goes. My Mom's cancer came back a few weeks ago. I found out the Wednesday after Easter. Daniel had just got a lead on a job and in fact was out at an interview when I heard the news. Everything happened very quickly. I decided to come home on my return plane ticket, which was set for May 13. Daniel got the job and decided to take it. Mom's condition got worse and her first chemo treatment (a week ago) left her very weak and in pain. I decided to come home sooner. Last Tuesday I decided I'd have to leave earlier than I thought, and on Wednesday I booked a plane ticket for Sunday, April 25. I flew home yesterday, and now I'm back in Springfield.

As much as I wish Daniel were here with me, we talked about it a lot and we decided that this arrangement was the least awful of all the possible awful arrangements. He has the job he's always wanted, and if he came back with me now he'd have regrets. I don't want our relationship to be based on regrets and and endless game of who owes what to whom, so we're back to the long-distance thing, which blows. Hopefully we'll be able to see each other in late June when his best friend gets married in Seattle, and he'll be able to spend the month of August with me. His job contract lasts until next January.

When I think about everything ahead of me--what *could* happen, what *might* happen, just *how long* it could last, I get overwhelmed and start to panic. The thought of being separated from him for nine months is so horrible that I just can't really accept it. Worrying about my Mom and her health is just as frightening and just as difficult. So, I'm trying that whole one-day-at-a-time thing, though for now it's more like "one-minute-at-a-time" or "one-second-at-a-time."

I'm trying to have faith and focus on being a positive support for my Mom and for Daniel. I want to be a source of comfort, not a drain on it. It's difficult, but I think I can do it if I keep my mind in the right place. Prayers and good thoughts are useful on this front.

So, to my friends in Springfield-- I'm back, and I would like to see you sometime (though at this point I'm not sure when). To everyone else, I'm sorry to be such a depressing story right now, but I didn't want anyone to feel left in the dark (and, more selfishly, I don't want to have to tell my depressing story over and over again). I'll try to keep things updated here. Thanks in advance for all your friendship and support.

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