Arghh!!!!! Alison, if you're reading this, I know *exactly* how you feel. SERIOUSLY. I think she sums it up better than I can at the moment, so for the full story, visit Alison's Blog and read the 10/5 entry. That is, in a nutshell, my life at the moment. I'm so worried about so many things and people, I'm so stressed out.... blaarrrrr.....
I wish so much I could do better. I feel like I'm not wise enough, not strong enough, not.... anything enough. Despite my successes, the thing that matters most to me right now is the health and well-being of a certain friend... and that happens to be the one thing I *can't* fix. I can't even make him feel better *temporarily* anymore, and that is a failing that overshadows anything I've done right recently. I'm struggling to take care of myself, but I'm constantly forced to take care of other people, too, and I just feel like I'm not doing as good a job as I used to. Sure, I'm not *literally* forced to take care of them, but if someone is drowning and you know how to swim, are you going to just stand on the dock and let them die? Better yet, what if it's someone you love? What can I do? I'm haunted by nightmares of worst-case scenarios, I just want him to have hope. Hope and purpose.
I pray fervently and often. Sometimes I feel like I've been answered, sometimes I still feel overwhelmed, but at least I know I'm doing all I can, and at least God's there to replenish my spiritual energy. They always teach you to give it to God, give it to God... but I'm God's instrument, can't *I* do anything?? So I pray for strength. For wisdom. For sanity. For healing. I pray that this dark valley has an end and we'll all soon see the sun again. I pray for lots of things, and I'm probably praying for you too. The list just keeps growing.
In other (similar) news.....
I had another "instinct incident" the other night. I got home from a movie around 12:00, got out of my car and walked down the street. After a few minutes of walking, I heard the sound of a familiar engine and changed direction. I started running back up the steepest hill in the neighborhood (adrenaline is incredible, it felt like I was running on air) and appeared in my friend's driveway in time to help another hoist her out of his car. We had to carry her up the porch stairs and get her to her room, but the house was locked so he had to break in through her window. He wouldn't have been able to break in *and* hold her up at the same time.
My heart knows when it's needed. I suppose sometimes it can still be useful.
Meanwhile, my Psychology class is starting to wonder how I know so much about drugs.
I wish so much I could do better. I feel like I'm not wise enough, not strong enough, not.... anything enough. Despite my successes, the thing that matters most to me right now is the health and well-being of a certain friend... and that happens to be the one thing I *can't* fix. I can't even make him feel better *temporarily* anymore, and that is a failing that overshadows anything I've done right recently. I'm struggling to take care of myself, but I'm constantly forced to take care of other people, too, and I just feel like I'm not doing as good a job as I used to. Sure, I'm not *literally* forced to take care of them, but if someone is drowning and you know how to swim, are you going to just stand on the dock and let them die? Better yet, what if it's someone you love? What can I do? I'm haunted by nightmares of worst-case scenarios, I just want him to have hope. Hope and purpose.
I pray fervently and often. Sometimes I feel like I've been answered, sometimes I still feel overwhelmed, but at least I know I'm doing all I can, and at least God's there to replenish my spiritual energy. They always teach you to give it to God, give it to God... but I'm God's instrument, can't *I* do anything?? So I pray for strength. For wisdom. For sanity. For healing. I pray that this dark valley has an end and we'll all soon see the sun again. I pray for lots of things, and I'm probably praying for you too. The list just keeps growing.
In other (similar) news.....
I had another "instinct incident" the other night. I got home from a movie around 12:00, got out of my car and walked down the street. After a few minutes of walking, I heard the sound of a familiar engine and changed direction. I started running back up the steepest hill in the neighborhood (adrenaline is incredible, it felt like I was running on air) and appeared in my friend's driveway in time to help another hoist her out of his car. We had to carry her up the porch stairs and get her to her room, but the house was locked so he had to break in through her window. He wouldn't have been able to break in *and* hold her up at the same time.
My heart knows when it's needed. I suppose sometimes it can still be useful.
Meanwhile, my Psychology class is starting to wonder how I know so much about drugs.
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