The Natatorium

An emporium of oddities from around the world, complete with somewhat informative plaques that almost never match the item they are meant to be describing.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Well. Wasn't that a soul-crushing night.

The poetry slam took an interesting poem when "He" read a poem about his new girlfriend, whom I had not previously known about.

Then I read a poem about me being jealous over him. You can view it here.

Okay, I wrote it 7 months ago, and it was more about my disgust with myself than about him, and I had already decided to read it that night before I knew anything of what he was reading.

But apparently it struck a chord. He ran out of the shop shortly after and Hannah followed. She later told me that he was "absolutely crushed" and "his heart was ground into black dust" or something to that effect. I can't say I'm happy to hear that, but it doesn't sound quite as bad as what he put me through. Then she said that I should consider "apologizing to him".

And well.

That was just too much.

Apologize? Are you serious? I never intended to punish him; I didn't read the poem out of spite, and I never even intended him any pain. Any pain he feels is his own doing, because he feels bad about what he put me through, as perhaps he should. I'm not saying I derrive some sick pleasure from seeing him suffer; you know I want him to be happy. But it's not my fault if his iniquities have caught up with him. Yes, it hurts me to see him suffer, but frankly, I'm sick of being the doormat. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorrry" all the fucking time. I have rights too, you know. Maybe sometimes I deserve some respect. Maybe sometimes I deserve to say my piece. Maybe sometimes I just deserve to be who I am without apologizing for it.

Maybe that's not the "Christian" thing to do. Maybe it's not the "superwoman" thing to do. But I'm sick of being superwoman. I'm sick of neglecting myself to take care of everyone else all the time. I care for him. I want him to be happy. Isn't that enough? Why should I put myself through the wringer *again* to make him feel better for something he did to himself? If that's selfsih, I'm sorry. Even I have a right to selfishness once in a while. Anyway, Josiah said that I have to value myself as much as I value others.

The truth is, I'm just not ready to talk to him yet. Yes, for the most part, I'm "over" him. I don't think about him every second of every hour of every day. But when I see him my heart still jumps in fear. The thought of talking to him fills me with dread. Aye, here's the rub: I'm just plain terrified of him. I'm scared shitless. I'm so terrified of things being the way they were again that I want to turn tail and run every time I see him. I'm so afraid of everything he represents in my life that it makes me tremble. I care about him so much that I can't be near him. He has so my power over me because I love him so much, and thus has and endless capacity to cause me pain. That's why I can't cross that line yet. Someday I'll be ready for a relationship with him again. But that day is not today, and trying to console him now would just shove us back into our old co-dependent cookie-cutter roles. I can't go back to trying to make his life easier all the time. That's what destroyed us in the first place.

So what am I? Selfish cruel bitch? Empowered woman? Broken bleeding pathetic heap? I say all of the above. Maybe someday I'll figure out how to make everyone happy, but today is just not that day.

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