What Are You Doing New Years?

I still don't know what I'm doing New Years, and it's tomorrow night. I sort of have a lot of options, and I sort of don't. It's hard to get things together; I'm not sure what's going on. So if you know of a really, really awesome party that I could bring all my friends to, hook me up. This will be my first New Years (since I was a kid) where I won't be attending the traditional party with my old group of friends--sorry guys, but you know you don't really care about me all that much anyway, and the group isn't what it used to be. People are married, people have kids, people are on the other side of the world getting shot at, people are living miles and miles away, people have girlfriends or boyfriends or no friends at all. I don't even know if you're having the party anymore; if you are, I haven't been told.

My life always changes in some way or another on New Years, and though I've had high hopes for this year's end, the closer it gets the less sure I am that anything fantastic will happen. I had hopes that I might share it with someone... new, but that never materialized. As depressing as it sounds, I'm probably going to end up watching the ball drop alone, stuffing my face with chocolates, swigging carbonated grape juice, and moaning out "Auld Lang Syne" off-key.

New Years used to be the most anticipated and exciting night of the year for me, back when we had our yearly bashes and everyone wanted to make the night special. Things were always beginning or changing or ending on New Year's Eve. This year I'll probably just go to bed early because I have to work in the morning.

I know this whole post sounds overly whiny and melodramatic, but hey, that's what I'm good at, right? And anyway, I know I've got lots of great friends who would be happy to join in the off-key chorus, but I'm just feeling a little disconnected. Again, things are changing. Which is what New Year's is supposed to be about, I guess. Perhaps, as usual, I'm afraid of the change--afraid that it's going to change for the worse. But that's just me; afraid of change, because I'm so terrified of losing the things and people that I love. Anytime things change, people move in, move out, move around. People come in and out of my life and sometimes it seems like I'm powerless to stop it. I try so desperately to hold on, to keep things the way they are, that I forget about what could be coming, forget that it could be just what I'm looking for.

I guess I just want us all to be okay.