The Natatorium

An emporium of oddities from around the world, complete with somewhat informative plaques that almost never match the item they are meant to be describing.

Friday, October 24, 2003

I had just posted the following in the comments for Wednesday's 2nd post when I realized it was long enough (not to mention relavent enough) to be a post in itself. Here's what I put in comments:

"Lol, here's hoping, Hannah. And yes, the fact that Radiohead does drugs is quite the little deterrent for me, at least for now. I'm sure you've noticed that I've developed some psychological issues about drugs, due to my experiences in the past few months. I really just get anxious whenver drugs are mentioned at all, and I can't help but have strong negative feelings about anything drug-related *at* *all*. And I don't just mean the usual negative feelings of "that's illegal" or "I would never do that", but more like *serious* negative reactions, like pulse jumps and nausea; just intense symptoms of anxiety and grief.

Huh. I wonder why.

So anyway, I find myself strangely frightened, instead of amused, when it comes to the mention of drugs, pot, drinking... I just kind of freak out.

I just need my life to be clean for a while."

I've noticed that a lot recently. Whenever someone mentions pot, or when I'm reminded of it somehow, or even when I see those stupid anti-drug commercials on TV (like Kristin's favorite--the one with the crash test dummies) I still get really nervous and feel really... I dunno. Anxious? Afraid? Upset? Sad? Something bad. It's like a toxin in my blood that hasn't yet made it out of my system. I still feel like I'm always on alert, ready to spring into action whenever I'm called. I suppose I just hadn't realized how much my life had altered because of having to take care of him...them...whatever. Not that this is anywhere *near* as valid or severe, but I guess it's kind of like soldiers with post-traumatic stress syndrome. They get used to being on edge all the time, and when they return to civillian life, they sometimes have flashbacks when they feel threatened, or something reminds them of battle. They just can't get used to the fact that they're safe now... safer at least. I suppose it will wear off with time, but sometimes on Friday and Saturday nights, I still find myself waiting for the phone to ring...


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