The Natatorium

An emporium of oddities from around the world, complete with somewhat informative plaques that almost never match the item they are meant to be describing.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Oh Help.

Today is not a good day. This week is not a good week.

In general, Mom is doing better. She had another chemo on Monday and was feeling pretty good yesterday; we even went to the mall for a while. Today is not so good.

My Grandma (Mom's mother) had a full knee replacement yesterday, and we thought it went really well... until 2:30 am this morning, when my Aunt called me and told me that my Grandma was having trouble breathing and they had taken her to the ICU. She was very upset and said the situation was very serious. She wanted to let me know in case I wanted to go to the hospital, but I was sleeping in Mom's room and knew that there was nothing I could do anyway. I lay awake for a while, then about a half hour later my Aunt called again and said the doctor had stabilized her. I think she's still stable today, but her condition is very serious. She has aspirated pneumonia as a complication of the surgery, and has to be intubated.

My Grandma isn't just my grandmother, she's also one of my best friends. She's been one of the only people I've been able to talk to through this whole ordeal with my Mom. She's one of the only people who seems to really understand what I'm going through and care about how hard all of this has been for me. Sometimes I feel like she's one of the only people in my life who helps keep me sane. The thought of losing her is terrifying. I'm so stressed out already I think I may have reached my limit, and I wonder if my fears about losing her have even really hit me. I know I'm running on adrenaline, because I'm certainly not running on sleep (or, for most of the day, food).

To top it all off, when I took Mom to visit Grandma in the ICU today, Mom started having severe pains. I think the stress of seeing her mother like that, coupled with the effects of the chemo, was too much for her. She was really scaring me so I took her down to the ER and they gave her extra pain medicine. They ran a bunch of tests but there was nothing new or different; just the same pains from the same reasons.

Things seemed a little better yesterday. Mom had good news from the oncologist (he says that in general she is improving, her blood work continues to look better), she felt good, Grandma's surgery had gone well, and we even went shopping together. I got a new outfit. Now everything is right back in the proverbial poo hole, x1000. I feel so helpless. There is nothing I can do to make Mom or Grandma better. I live in constant fear that something is going to go horribly wrong with either or both of them (more horribly than it already has, that is). I'm exhausted but I can't relax. I feel trapped in fate's cross hairs, like my life was too good before and now the shit canon is aimed straight at me.

Plus, I miss Daniel.

What do you do when you feel like the world is out to get you? Apparently you blog about it.