I found out on Jenny's Blog that today is AIDS awareness day. I am poor and cannot send any money, but I *do* want to make sure all of my readers are educated about how huge a problem it truly is, for Africa in particular but for the whole world as well. For a lot of enlightening information, visit the DATA website.

In personal news....

I had a nice Thanksgiving. I got and unexpected phone call from you-know-who, asking me to be friends again. I vascillated. My old friends practically screamed "NO!" and warned me not to fall for it. ::sigh::. What can you do? I don't want to cause more pain, but I *really* don't want more drama. I got to see Michael and Ben on Friday night and Michael told us about another blog he's doing with several other people of different faiths (or the lack thereof) about religious tolerance. It is very cool. I will be adding it to the links.

TTFN, happy December, everyone!

My "Quiz Your Friends" thing gave me an idea: What's everyone's favorite book, and why? As posted in the comments, mine is probably Jane Eyre, though it's very difficult to choose. It's easier for me to pick authors; my favs are Neil Gaiman, Francesca Lia Block, Douglas Adams, J. R. R. Tolkien, C. S. Lewis, Katherine Paterson, Mark Twain, Donna Jo Napoli, The Bronte sisters, William Blake (poetry), Shakespeare, Frances Hodgson Burnett. Miscellaneous favorite books include "The Hours", "Shattered Mirror", The Sally Lockhart Trilogy (Ruby in the Smoke, etc), Tuck Everlasting, and The Red Tent.

Wow. That's a long list. I'm so indecisive.

A new reader challenged me in the comments of my last post to list my top ten songs/albums/artists on my blog. As Sam well knows, I find this nearly *impossible* to do. I can't pick a favorite anything, let alone *list* things, *in* *order*. He used to ask me to do this a lot, and I'm sure was subjected to a great deal of frusteration. The best I can do is list (in no particular order) *some* of my favorite artists. Here goes.

Coldplay
Natalie Merchant
Dido
Sigur Ros
Incubus
Chopin
Damien Rice
Vast
Ben Folds
Norah Jones
Justin Timberlake
Christina Aguilera
Eisley
No Doubt
Sarah McLachlan
Dixie Chicks
Enya
U2

And this really only reflects what I can think of right now. I hate doing this. I'm sure there's a lot more rock stuff that I just can't think of right now.

This quiz didn't have a picture but I liked it anyway.

Your soul is bound to the White Rose: The
Pure.

"I've been waiting in the dark for a long
time, shining my beacon of hope through the
shadow. If you see me, don't you hide your
eyes from me."

The White Rose is associated with purity, honor,
and chastity. It is governed by the goddess
Artemis and its sign is The Cross, or Agape.

As a White Rose, you are a person of your word.
You may have a strong moral code, but
regardless of your virtue, you always stay true
to yourself. To you, love is the most pure of
emotional forms and it's just a matter of
waiting for it to bless you. Some people may
say you are too idealistic, but it's only
because you don't want to mess things up.


What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well... the verdict is in.... my Calculus test is an A!!! It's an 80% without curve, but with curve it should be around 93%. I was shocked to learn that I actually did better than some of my more math-oriented supergeek friends. I would have done better if not for the stupid chain rule. Curse you, chain rule!

I'm actually thinking about staying in Calc for the 3rd quarter and taking the AP exam. I'm sure you're all shocked, gazing in alarm and all that. But really. I like a challenge, and I love feeling like I'm learning something. I feel like I'm improving myself everyday in that class.

We got out early today, and now I have FOUR DAYS OF NOTHING!!! HAHAHAH!!! My only homework is stupid Hamlet questions, and I can do those fast. Wheee! Thanksgiving rules. I would be so sad if I lived in a country with no Thanksgiving. It really is one of the most important holidays. I mean, we all just really need to stop and think about how blessed we are. We should do it every day, so the least we can do is have a holiday once a year for it.

I wrote a poem about high school tonight. Or maybe it's about me. Or high school. Or me. Or both.

Judge Me Not

Judge me not by my Radiohead love
Or more accurately, my lack thereof.
It’s not because I don’t have a soul
But because I have wounds that have taken their toll

Judge me not by my hippie clothes
I promise tomorrow I’ll wear grunge
Categorize me not as a stick-up-her-nose
I have a right to choose how hot my blood runs

Judge me not by my love for Buffy
Old habits die hard, and she’s a part of me
From when I didn’t know who I was
Anyway she killed her angel with her love
and he returned the favor
I can relate.

Judge me not by my car, bought with my dad’s cash
Look closely and you’ll see an Uppity chant
Look closer and you’ll see Henry on the dash
Headbanging his way down the road

Judge me not by my psychotic mood swings
It simply means my iniquities have caught up with me
A little chocolate will do the trick
Just don’t ever tell me to try and be happy

Judge me not by my 4.833333
I promise I’m just as lazy as you
Judge me not by my voice or the way that I sing
I really have lots of things to do

And please don’t insult yourselves
By judging my face, hair, shoes or bag
You all deserve so much better than that
Don’t you dare let me hear you say the word “fag”

Better yet, scratch all that,
I’ve changed my mind
Judge me with your standard
Of any superficial kind

Yet I request therefore
And my new protocol demands
That you hold off till you’ve felt
The weight of my mind in your hands

Because everyone has a story
Not all the chapters are filled with roses
And no one knows how it ends
Just make sure that when the book closes
You have a few less enemies than friends


And I took a quizilla. I didn't like my results so I went back and tried to doctor it (i promise i've never done that before) but I ended up with the same results *again*, so I guess I have to stick with this.


You're just the happy go-lucky type. You might have
your pet peeves, but other than that, you're
mainly calm. Blending in with your
surroundings, you're the type of person who
everyone likes. Usually it's you who cracks
jokes at social gatherings - after all,
laughter is the best medicine. Sometimes you
pretend to be stupid, but in all actuality, you
could be the next Einstein.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

Peace out.

Hey guys, remember Quiz Your Friends? I do. So I made one today. Enjoy. ::sigh:: Makes me reminisce about old times... Quiz Your Friends, Blue Mountain card wars, etc... hee hee.

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

Last night Hannah loaned me her old violin, so I took it today to get a new bridge put in, and will shortly begin teaching myself. I have silently promised my family that I will only practice when they aren't home.

Following my trip to the music store, I went to be a bell ringer for the Salvation Army at the mall. I was paired with an old friend, so it wasn't a chore at all. Gave us two hours to catch up.

The best thing I did today was go to the Beartones concert with Heather. They are definitely the most attractive group of 12 young men in the entire area. They're SMSU's a cappella men's group, and they sing many types of music, from gospel to pop, all a cappella and usually with beatboxing, too. ;) My favorite songs tonight were probably "Crazy Love" (I nearly cried) and "Let's Get It On" (completely hilarious). Agh. They're all *so* cute! And so musically and vocally talented!!! Heather and I were swooning the whole time. We each picked out one for our future husband, though of course we realize that only very, very lucky girls get Beartones. ::sigh:: I know, it kinda sounds like a boyband, and it basically is, except that they're all extremely talented and they mostly arrange their own music, and did I mention it's a cappella? The sound is really incredible. I love them.

They also performed "Great Gettin' Up Mornin'" , "Clocks", "I Gotta Get Through This", "The Longest Time", "Boardwalk", "Stand By Me", "Superman", and lots lots lots more. Excellent. The phrase of the night was: "I want one!"

::sigh:: another thoroughly schitzo day.

I started it off by punishing myself. I don't really know why. I don't know what derranged impulse made me reach into the back seat and grab The Cure, then proceed to pop it into my CD player. I was rewarded with ghostly apparitions of my past dancing across my field of vision all the way to school.

English was not bad. In fact, it was very good. We read Act II of Hamlet, and the people in my class made it so funny, we were laughing the whole time. It actually is a funny section of the play. There's this old guy who rambles on forever (polonius) and Hamlet is pretending to be crazier than he is, etc... it's great. Probably the best part was when a pass was delivered to our class by an office worker. Mrs. Satzinger inspected it, but by the time she realized the recipient of the pass was absent, and tried to call the office worker back, the worker had already left the room. She tried to call after her to come back, but when she didn't get a response some boys closer to the door helped. "Ashley!" they shouted, and were answered by a "What?" we expected her to come back, of course, and see what we were shouting about, but when she didn't appear, they called again. This time no response was issued forth. Kenny then philosophically inquired (to the now absent Ashely) "Wherefore doth thou walkest away?" to which Mrs. Satzinger added, in a rather tongue-in-cheek tone, "Ho." There was solid laughter for at least five minutes. It really improved my day. The whole class was like that, and even in the halls it seemed like people were joking around a lot more than usual, and were generally in a good mood.

Sadly, this rosy morning could not endure. When I got to Calculus, I still hadn't done a few of the homework problems because I couldn't remember how. I was asking around when Quiggly called for the sheets to be passed up. I hurriedly looked over my paper to see if I had at least *guessed* on the problems I didn't know, and punched in a few equations on my calculator to make an estimate from the graph. I then hastily circled a few random answers, signed my name at the top, and delivered it to him at the front. He had *just* sat down from putting the rest of the class' papers in a folder, and when I handed mine to him, he looked at me and said "Um, we've already collected this assignment." in shock, I responded, "I just put my name on it..." he assumed a look of resignation and said, "well, this will have to be late" as he took it from me and cast it into a chair behind him. Late. Two point five seconds late. I numbly returned to my desk and indulged an extended fantasy of retribution involving a great deal of screaming, yelling, and generally throwing things all over the Calculus room, culminating in my dramatic exit from the room with a vow never to return. But I mostly sat there and glared at the blank sheet of ruled paper in front of me as he led the class in an example problem, and exercised my revenge by *refusing* to copy down the problem from the screen. That'll show him.

The lunch that followed ten minutes later mostly consisted of me not speaking to anyone, glaring at everyone, and drowing my sorrows in a (burned) baked potato drenched in molten cheese. I chased it with a brownie and felt a little better. I felt a lot better after relating the story to a couple of Calculus comrades, and by fourth block I was chipper enough again.

In fourth block I was once again compared to Phoebe from Friends. Go figure. I've been told that by so many people of so many different types in so many different groups that I suppose it must be true. I am Phoebe. Eh. Fine with me. I love Phoebe.

Now I get to look forward to a night of total vegging out at Hannah's house. Viva la DVD de Two Towers, edition extendable!

I was momentarily shocked and afraid when I visited Telescope Eyes the other day to see *my* *piano*. Then I realized that the artist of Telescope Eyes slept at my house Saturday night. Being blonde can often be quite harrowing.

I got a call this afternoon informing me that I have been accepted to Drury! Yay! Now all that remains of my evil plan is to recieve every possible scholarship... ::evil cackle::

We started Hamlet in AP Lit today, a classical work that I had always intended to read but somehow never did... school can be useful like that sometimes. I'm only in Act II, and already I see several similarities between Hamlet and many of my male companions... past and present. Not necessarily in a good way, either. I'm sure this experience will prove to be another incident of psychological warfare. ::sigh:: Why am I so mentally unstable? 'Tis such an inconvenience.

Speaking of the (estranged) object of my dysfunction.... it seems he's still feeling the burn. This is unfortunate. I don't want him to be upset, I want what I've always wanted--for him to be happy. I really wish he can do that, and learn to let go and move on, as he told me so many times to do. There's just nothing for it.

Hannah wrote an excellent short story a few months ago, which I finally read yesterday. She needs to post in online somewheres so's all y'alls out thar in cyberspace can take a fine gander at it... ::ahem:: sorry for the hick accent, it must be an aftereffect of watching the school production of The Robber Bridegroom yesterday. This is going to sound very sad, but I was oddly... affected by it. The story was kind of my idea of the perfect (deeply wrong) passionate romance... though of course the setting was rather... terrible. Considering my background. Anyway, the deeply wrong part puts it out of the realm of possibility, but I already had a novel taking shape in my mind with a similar theme, so I might as well capitalize on the fantasy.

Oh! And this:

You
are Fear

You are embarking on exciting new opportunities and relationships
but your insecurities and feelings of self-doubt are totally consuming you.
You just need to chill out and enjoy the moment!

Which
Sarah McLachlan Song Are You?

Created by Noor

Fare thee well.

As I had hoped it would, the previous post spawned an exciting political discussion, which I believe is still ensuing in the comments of said post.

I thought I would hate the movie last night, but really, I loved it. I was so filled with youthful enthusiasm for activism... I wanted to save the tribal people who were threatening mass suicide if their land was invaded! The film just gave me more to think about, and I wish the director had made one about 9/11 and the War on Terrorism/Iraq, because this film focused on the 2000 Election. Btw, the film is entitled "The Party's Over", if any of you want to look it up.

I'm really loving all the responses from all of you who are commenting, thanks a lot! I hope politics come up more often. Lots of people I know say they absolutely *hate* politics, for whatever reason, but I really think everyone needs to be educated on what's going on in the world, figure out what they believe needs to be done, and to take action. It's our world, and if we stand by and let others be a force for change without being one ourselves, there's no way for us to guarantee the world will change for the better. There's no way to guarantee that anyway, but we at least have to try. Otherwise, what's the point?

Finis

English Club movie night at the Cookie tonight. This month's film is some documentary on the Democratic party. I heard it was good. Just watch me come back here and rant out some long-@$$ post about how mad it made me. Stupid Michael Moore is in it. I hope they expose him for some evil... liberal... thing... ::ahem::

In other political news, I think I'm starting to change my views a bit (don't tell my grandpa). It's so difficult to reconcile my religion and my political beliefs. I'm really starting to lean towards Sam's ideals, I think. Obviously, the "safest" direction for a Christian like me is to go straight conservative-republican all the way. God in the school. God in the courthouse. God in the pledge and God on the money. Not to mention Mr. Prezzie Bush himself, with all his God-talk in his speaches. But.... I'm starting to see so much wrong with that. I used to be full steam ahead like my conservative Christian peers, trying to keep God everywhere He could be. I was outraged at the thought of "under God" being removed from the pledge. I loved the fact that Bush was bringing his personal convictions into the office. It felt like we had one of Our Own in the high place of power, and Our Cause was going to benefit from it, not to mention the country would be steered in the right direction. Now I have some doubts, and it's mostly about things Sam has said. He's said that the US is acting like a nation that believes itself to be ordained by God, when it isn't. There has been no indication of such, unless you measure our wealth and power, and that was never a good indicator of who is "God's favorite". The only nation he has ever sided with is Israel. No one else. So why are we acting like Jesus's personal Enforcers? How do we know what the will of God is?

Furthermore, I'm beginning to believe more and more that the separation of church and state should be more strictly enforced. Yes, I'm a Christian and believe in God, but the government isn't an institution of God. It's an institution of the world, which God calls us to be separate from. He commands us to submit to the authority of our country's laws, but it isn't the government's job to legislate religion and morality. It's the church's job to spread the good word and encourage people to live Christ-like lives, it's the government's job to keep order.

Gay marriage is a tougher one for me, because it crosses the political/religious boundary. Normally I would say, "America is about freedom, restricting the rights of gays is prejudice." I don't condemn homosexuals any more than I condemn premarital sex. They are equally wrong in my opinion, and the Bible says all sins are equal. I do not, as a sinner myself, have the authority to condemn anyone. I don't even really have the authority to interpret the word or will of God. The best I can do is encourage others to accept Christ and to study His word, hoping it will speak to their hearts in the way God sees fit. I cannot judge their lives. But marriage.... marriage *is* an institution ordained by God, and the requirements are more specific and clear-cut. I have to say, I'm completely at a loss on how to handle this one. It's an issue I'm really torn on.

This post is a lot longer than I intended it to be. Please comment on this one, I would really like to hear *lots* of opinions. I promise you won't be stoned for your beliefs. ;)

Hahahahaha. I did the most insane Calculus problem this afternoon, with crazy algebra and ridiculous fractions, and I GOT IT RIGHT!!!!! All by myself! Whoopee!

We're expecting big storms tonight, and when I asked Alison about it, she said we were getting "Tornado'd". Ever since the May 5 disaster, everyone's been more paranoid about storms than me, which is an interesting turnaround.

I watched way too much TV tonight. Ugh.

Madrigal practice tomorrow morning, 7:00 am, bright and early. Going to bed now.

You know what's fun? Writing a paper on the inversion of gender roles in Macbeth. That's fun.

But seriously. Today I was driving and it was a beautiful day, and it was sunny, and pretty, and the trees are all orange and gold, and I was listening to No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom alblum, back when they were actually a good punk/ska band, and I was just very, very happy. Very happy indeed. I couldn't think of and reason to be unhappy, I was just so grateful for all my blessings. It's a nice feeling. I feel so blessed.

I saw Master and Commander last night, and it was kind of disturbing. I was afraid I'd have nightmares. I thought it wouldn't be too horrible since it was rated PG-13, but it was still pretty bloody and icky. I have to remember that I don't like war movies. I really don't.

Peace out.

The Poetry Slam was Thursday night, and it was *AWESOME*! We had a great turnout, and even though I know a lot of people were only there because they were required to be, I know that many of them were excited to be there and very interested in doing something like this regularly. Fortunately, the teacher's let me run it entirely. They had been planning on letting me call the shots, so that made me happy. Yes, some people only read because it was an assignment, but what they read had to be their own work, and as a result, some very interesting things happened. What was really incredibly was that most people read something that meant something to them; people were exposing their deepest desires and most intimate thoughts. Most of us there were from Kickapoo, so we'd been classmates for at least four years, and many of us longer. A lot of us have seen each other almost every day for years, and most of us have at least exchanged a few words. We've been friends, polite acquaintances, unrequited lovers, bitter enemies, and more. But there's just something bizarre and wonderful about seeing someone you've been around constantly--but not quite known--expose their soul, if only for a moment, to all the people whom they live with everyday. It's a beautiful vulnerability, and I think we all, on some level, will respect each other even more after that night. It was an amazing experience, a brief glimmering moment of magnificence, an instant of brilliance, that I don't think any of us will soon forget. I don't think I've ever been this proud of something I've put together. I'm definitely going to do this again.

Here are a couple of pics:

The Audience, blurred as though in a dream


Me reading my poem, Doll. I'll post that soon.


One more thing about the Slam: *he* showed up. About 15 minutes before he arrived, I had a warning that he might be coming, and I started freaking out a little. I didn't want to deal with emotional warfare when I was trying to organize 60 high school students in a poetry reading. When he arrived, I ignored him, which was easy since I had a lot to do, and tried to pretend he wasn't there. I saw him go to talk to Hannah, then he got Courtney and they went outside. Hannah told me a while later that he had written a poem for me, and had been thinking of reading it. My initial reaction was, of course, largely negative and followed by more (inward) freaking out, but Hannah said it was really beautiful, and I realized a little later that it probably wouldn't have bothered me if he'd read it. It wouldn't have really bothered me if he'd stayed, either, though he didn't, and I'm not upset over it. He talked to Courtney outside and she told him it was a bad idea, as I'm sure Hannah did too. He then, I'm told, realized what a jerk he was being and left. Something along the lines of "Why did I even come here?". I kind of felt bad for him. I'm not trying to be perpetually punishing him, really, it's just that I really need him to stay out of my life for a while. I'm not angry with him. But the fact remains. He can apologize all he wants--and he's already forgiven--but nothing will change the fact that he has to stay out of my life. Nothing. And I have to be cold towards him, because if I'm warm it could escalate, and I can't do that again. I'm really sorry that it has to be this way, but it just does. I don't want him to be unhappy or tormented, but I just can't let him back in. We have to live our lives separately. I hope he can move on soon, the way I think I have.
So. That's that.

Last night I did the Cappies thing for the first time, and the play we saw was awesome. It was William Shakespearean A Midsummer Night's Dream performed by Willard High School. Really, the show was just amazing. All of the actors were incredible and had unbelievable projection. Everything about it was fantastic, except for just one thing.... Titania, The Fairy Queen was played in a very sensual way, which was great, but unfortunately, her costume was just a little *too* sensual for a high school play... a bit more than I wanted to see. No further complaints about the play, it was hilarious; the only problems were the Cappies themselves. The other kids, not from Kickapoo, all seemed to be from the same school, or at least, they all seemed to know each other and the sponsors as well. They were all rather flippant, nitpicky, and well, rude. Not just to the actors, but to us, the Kickapoo kids. It seemed like every time one of us said something, they'd pause for a moment and then continue as if nothing had happened. It was at its worst with poor Laura. Every time she said something, they would look at her like she was a total idiot for, not kidding, 15 whole seconds, at least. They just stared, not saying a word, blank faced at her, and then turned back to one another and continued talking. It was ridiculous! Our only hope lies in the fact that the next time we do a review, it will most likely be all different people. I hope.

AACK!!! It's all happening so fast!!!

The Slam is tomorrow night, and I'm starting to get nervous. I may have mentioned that my English teacher made attending/participating in the Slam an *assignment* for her classes. If I haven't, well, she did. This means two things: #1) everyone hates me now and #2) there are going to be lots of people there who are only there because they have to be, and don't care *anything* about poetry, and are going to read *crap* and be obnoxious. Besides that, I'm worried that I didn't make it clear to the English teachers/sponsors how involved I want them to be in this. Make that uninvolved. COMPLETELY UNINVOVLED. If they must be there, it's going to be in a fly-on-the-wall sort of way. I want little to no vocalization from any of them.

When I tell them this, they're going to get mad. Even though I'm going to say it in a very nice way, with a very nice lead in, and I'm going to present a very logical (and true) argument. If they want kids to get excited about poetry, they're going to have to step back. If your teacher tells you to like something, then you're not going to like it, and that's just the way it is. This is *MY* *SLAM*. I thought of it months ago. It was my idea. I planned it. I coordinated it. I did *all* the work. I *will* *be* *running* *it*.

Anyway. So besides that, I had to take the stupid Cappies tape back over to Parkview today, but I was so distracted by my Slam worries that I completely forgot it when I went to voice lessons and had to drive *all* the way home from across town and then *all* the way back across town to Parkview. Grrrrrrr.......

Then there's my calculus grade. It blows. Really. It's like a C now, *if* he drops my lowest homework score. I have *got* to start getting 10's or I can kiss my A goodbye. I was just trying to *do* my critical calculus homework, and then I realized I don't even know how to *START* problem #60, and neither does Tim, my classmate/consultant, and that's bad. Very bad.

I also need to write a draft of my Macbeth paper by Friday, only I haven't started it and have no idea what I'm doing, and I can't do it tomorrow night because of the Slam so ideally I should do it tonight but I can't stay up late because I have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning for Madrigal practice (rescheduled from Tuesday because our director's son had his tonsils out). And I still have to do that Calc homework and it has to be PERFECT........ and there's a cappies meeting tomorrow after school, so my afternoon is shot too.....and I had a dream last night that I was schizophrenic. That was not fun. Mucho scary. I was so relieved when I woke up.

Slam....Calculus....Cappies...Madrigal....English teachers....Calculus....Slam.... Calculus... Macbeth....Calculus.....

::has heart attack at 18, dies::

[Exeunt]

Ow, ow, ow, my stomach hurts. I'm going to keep this short. Anyone who's seen Two Weeks Notice will understand what I mean when I say I tend to be like Sandra Bullock's charachter in that movie.... in more ways than one. Ow. Too much Taco Bell... ow...

As Hannah stated in her recent post, we unwittingly created "Teen Boy Squad!!" whilst trying to discretely talk about a few of our mutual male friends online.... Piano Player! Amp Builder! Center of Attention! The Oversensitive One!

Speaking of teen squads and the like.....

You're "Whats her face". You love baggy
pants, Avril Lavigne, and softball. You're the
pity friend of the group, and don't have any
real friends-even Thomas the Alien doesn't like
you. You enjoy pillow fights at sleepovers and
just might be a lesbian.


Which Member of Teen Girl Squad are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yes, I know, I got What's Her Face, even though in my personal faction of TGS, I play So-And-So. Actually, both kinda fit my personality. I'm secretly a so-and-so. I want to be pretty like Britney Spears, and I'm terrified that I won't get a date!! Agh!!! Anyway, so-and-so is the only one who takes Calculus.

I'm going to be in this thing called Cappies now, where I go to high school drama productions and write reviews. It's all very spiffy and organized. I could get published and lots of fun stuff.

I'm excited about the Slam in two days. I had an idea for a poem yesterday, but still haven't written it. I'll post it when I finally do.

ow.

The first time I tried to post this, Blogger ate it, like the image of an insatiable cartoon monster it's name evokes. So this is the second time I've typed this up. Probably a good thing, since the first attempt was a little... er... angrier than this one will be.

I saw the Matrix last night and liked it. The Battle of the Dock scene really blew me away in terms of visuals, and I actually cared about the characters, especially the 16 year old soldier. I was actually in *suspense*.

I went to see the movie with some old friends I hadn't seen in a while, and I was very excited about that until I realized they had absolutely no interest in talking to me, catching up with me, or otherwise getting to know me again like I did them. Every time I said something, I was sliced open by someone who was apparently "offended" by my remark. When that got old, they just started disregarding me completely, belittling me into the silly girl I am once again, and otherwise making it clear that I wasn't invited to their intellectual conversations. Soon they just ignored me completely. I was very disappointed at first, but another friend suggested to me that perhaps it just wasn't the right time to rekindle our friendship, and I believe she was right. Obviously they don't really have any interest in incoporating me into their lives again at this point--perhaps in a few years we'll drift together again. I certainly hope so; the thought of losing them for good is acutely painful. They changed my life, way back when, and they all mean very much to me (you know who you are =p ).

I'm starting to feel very much that I would like to spend some extra time alone. After visiting the Burgundy Room Thursday night, I've been thinking that I'd like to start going there alone, fading into the background, invisible, watching people and listening to music. I could bring my black journal and sit amidst the smoke in the crimson light.... it sounds very attractive to me.

And finally, here it is, my life's official MPAA rating. They deliberated for quite a while, and there was a point where I almost thought they'd give me a PG, but in the end it turned out as a good old G. I'm so.... innocent? Boring? You pick.


My life is rated G.
What is your life rated?.

I got pictures from the concert from a truly *awesome* girl on the Ben Folds message boards. Very nice.

Here's him playing that Steinway. Poor Steinway.


Ben rocks the house!


He masterfully directs our incredible choral singing


Yips!!!

I'm going to see the new Matrix tonight. Hopefully it won't be crappy. $6.00 is a huge chunk of my Jeans Pocket Balance.

Wow. Wowie wow wow. I saw Ben Folds Live last night, and oh my gosh. Definitely the *best* concert I've ever been to, and probably one of the best experiences of my life. I was only about 15 feet from him at the most. I still can't believe I saw him!!!! Eeeeeeee!!!!

So Rachel decided to go with us. I picked her up and we went to Hannah's, then the three of us piled into the Natmobile and headed for New York Pizzaria (Rachel works there, so she gets half price). We picked up a pie and some garlic knots and headed for the Shrine, where we stood outside in the *cold* (it *had* to have been below 40... it was *freezing*!!!) for an hour! Note: Converse sneakers? Yeah. Definitely *not* well insulated. But since almost *everyone* in like was wearing a pair of Chucks (except this one guy in FLIP FLOPS) we were all on an equal playing field. When the doors finally opened we ran like hell to get good spots, then stood in our good spots for another hour, waiting for the show to start. Adam met us in line, Jeanette met us inside later, and Sam showed up in the bleeding middle of the thing, pissing off 500 people as he shoved through the crowd to get up to the front where we were. Finally, the lights go out and Ben gets on. No introduction, no opening act. It was just him and a Steinway; no pretense, very few light effects (the ones there were we could have done without---no one liked them, including Ben), and a very intimate atmosphere. He told us stories and everything. It was *awesome*. He prefers a Baldwin, but I guess all the Shriners had was a Steinway. Nevertheless, he claims it held up fairly well; he only broke one note the whole night, I think, but it was in the middle octave, an E or something, so it was used a lot and gave off a sitar-like timbre. The show was just amazing. He had a great connection with the audience, although to be fair, it probably helped that we were all, in effect, hailing him King of the Keys. His playing was just incredible. As a piano player, I was in awe. Absolute awe. His singing was flawless; it sounded like studio. It was simply the greatest show I'd ever seen.

After the show, Rachel, Hannah, Adam and I walked the two blocks to the square and went to the Burgundy Room, where Crystal and Hillary were playing a gig. I'd never been up there; it was really cool. The decor was very interesting, and it had a great atmosphere for my tastes. Sam and Jeanette met us there and I got to have a conversation with her, much to the annoyance of Sam, whom we unfortunately ganged up on when he wouldn't let me lean against him like a chairback. We hung out there for about an hour, but we were starting to fall asleep on the couch so we had to leave. Rachel, Adam, Hannah and I then proceeded to the Mudhouse, but alas, the Ben Folds poster that had been hanging there was already swiped. As we were leaving we saw the new Dueling Pianos bar across the street! It was so cool, the whole place was rockin' and the crowd was really into it. Unfortunately, they won't let in 18's! Just 21 and over!!! Blarg!!! I think I'm going to stand outside their big picture window all winter, holding a sign that says "minors like music too."

On the way home, Rachel checked her cell and besides the message of Ben Folds music (we called our cells and left ourselves voice messages of the concert--yeah, we're dorks) she had another message from her co-worker and friend Donnie, telling her that he had "something juicy" to tell her. When she called work, he wasn't there, but another co-worker told her what was going on. Apparently, Ben Folds had ordered a pizza from them!!! Not only that, but he couldn't eat the first one they sent (he's a vegetarian and didn't know their supreme had meat on it), so they sent him another which Donnie delivered, and he sent back a slice of the first piece *SIGNED* on the back!!! They vacuumed it and are putting it in a shadowbox for the restaurant. I'm going to eat there every week now.

I saw a guy at the concert taking pictures, so I gave him my email address and hopefully he'll send some to me. If he does, I'll post them here when I get them.

EeeK! A night of pure awesomeness!!!!

Today was a bad day. Or at least, a not-as-good-as-other-days-day. I won't say I've had a bad day when I still have my health, my home, and all my friends and family. Sort of.

I had to dress up like a "senior citizen" today for AP Pysch, as an experiment, but I'm afraid I didn't do a very good job of going over-the-top; as such, it just sort of looks like I chose a very bad outfit, with very dorky shoes. That wasn't the bad part.

I did quite poorly on a Calculus quiz because of a trivial detail in notation that I forgot to add to each problem. Then in Psych, a practice test was due today that I thought wasn't due until tomorrow, so I went through and circled "b" for every question, earning me a whopping 15 points out of 61.

Yesterday it was nearly 80 degrees outside; now it's 50. It was a bit of a shock when I stepped outside, but I had my old-lady cardigan to keep me warm.

I saw him today. Kind of. I didn't know it, but he was parked next to me, so when we were walking to our cars we ended up near each other. At first I thought maybe he wouldn't recognize me, but then I realized my rapidly deteriorating straw purse would give me away, if nothing else would. It was a little bit of work to pretend I didn't know he was there, but it wasn't any work at all to pretend I didn't care. When I saw the other teen girls around me squealing a running for their cars, I realized that I didn't mind the cold at all. The frigid air doesn't feel so cold when your heart is colder.

Then he was in line behind me as we waited to leave the parking lot. I was just waiting for him to let someone from another row pull out in front of him, so he wouldn't have to feel the discomfort of my gaze on him from the rearview mirror. I tugged my hair out my old-lady bun (aka how I wear my hair every day now) and tried to shake the cobwebs of memory from it.

When I had first gotten into my car, I had listened to my body and turned on the heat. Halfway home, I listened to my soul and turned it off, rolling down the windows. I wanted to feel the wind biting at my neck. I listened to Coldplay. I think if my soul could scream, it would sound like Politik.

After reading Obsessive Frog's post today, I put this in the comments:

The other day this guy in my Calculus class said something really cool to me. I've been around him for 5 or 6 years now, in class and stuff, but we never got to know each other at all, really, mostly because he''s very obnoxious and we tend to butt heads, much to the amusement of our fellow classmates. I always thought he didn't like me at all, because I didn't put up with his attitude. This of course made the comment all the more unexpected. He said something about how he'd never heard me curse or use foul language. I have before, of course, though I try not to in class or in public places, and really I don't like to at all. But when he said it, he said it in a way that sounded like he was impressed, and that he respected me for it. The fact that he thought highly of me really made an impression on me; now I *really* want to be careful about my language, and set a good example in everything I do, because, well, I know that people are watching. And it really makes me not want to disappoint.

Yesterday was a loooooong day if ever there was one. I stayed up till about midnight friday night, being Halloween and all, then had to get up at 7:00 am the next morning for district choir at Evangel. We started at 8:30, rehersed for an hour and a half, got a 30 minute break, rehersed for another hour and a half, went to lunch, rehersed for another two and half hours, changed into robes, and performed for about 45 minutes. Needless to say, by the time it was over, I was exhausted. Singing may not sound like that much work, but it really can be. The last song we performed with combined choirs, so we had a different director. This guy was an insane perfectionist, but he was a perfectionist out of his love for great music, so it was okay. He kept wanting it *bigger* and BIGGER, so I was singing as loud as I could on a high F for 3 pages, and then he made us hold the last note, a high A for me, for like, 30 seconds. It was crazy. I thought I was going to pass out. But really, it was an amazing sound. My parents, grandparents, Hannah, and Adam all came to the concert, and afterwards my Grandpa took us out to eat. I'd had a big and delicious frisco melt lunch, so I didn't think I'd be able to eat much, but you'd be amazed how easily grilled chicken alfredo will go down.

Then there was the beer discrepency. That was great. The resturant was full, so we ended up eating in the bar area, but we had to split up into two different tables, right next to each other. My parents and grandparents sat at one, and Hannah, Adam, Seth and I sat at another. Hannah ordered a root beer, which came in a brown glass longneck. It was the really good kind too, Fitz's, from K.C. Well, there was lots of condensation on the bottle, and the label got soggy, so Hannah just took it off. After a few minutes, I hear a conversation going on behind me about "What's Hannah drinking???" Apparently, my grandma was convinced she had ordered a beer, even though Hannah's 19 and we're in a popular, credible restaurant that I'm sure cards *everyone*. Besides the fact that she *couldn't* order a beer had she wanted to, Hannah is by no means the drinking type. She hates it almost as much as I do. And, even if the universe flipped on its axis and somehow the previous two reasons became invalid, my mother knows that *I* would *never* allow it. Nevertheless, my mother, ever the incredulous, turns around and hisses, "What's Hannah drinking??" Not comprehending the question, I say, "What?" She hisses slightly louder. I turn and look at Hannah and then look back at my mother, saying, "What do you mean?" she then hisses, "Did she order a beer??" When I finally realized just how crazy my family had gotten, I told them she was just drinking root beer and further explained to them exactly why their presupposition would never occur, and expressed just how shocked and insulted I was at their blantant suspicion.

It was funny though. Before that, we had taken turns holding the bottle and asking how much older it made us appear. Apparently not older at all.

After we ate, we went to rent a movie. Hannah unexpected spotted Whale Rider at the rental place, and I was ecstatic. I wasn't expecting it come out on DVD for months, but there it was!!! I told her that renting it would be a waste of money since I was going to buy it anyway, so we walked to Wal-Mart and bought it. Even at Wal-Mart, it was $20 as a new release!! I hate buying DVD's new. They're so much cheaper pre-viewed. Oh well, Hannah aquiecsed and paid for half, though I ended up giving her $10 to the offering this morning, as it was all I had. God reimbursed me though, as always. My parents gave me $20 at lunch, from them and my grandparents, for having straight A's this quarter, including a hard-earned A- in Calulus.

Whale rider was great. It was pure awesomeness. I love love LOVED it, thogh Seth and Adam refused to watch it, and hung out upstairs instead. When we were done they wanted to watch "Just the first scene!" of 2 Fast 2 Furious, so Hannah and I had a great time making fun of *that*. "I fell on a waffle iron!" "Oh no, I can't afford clothes that fit me, so I have to wear my baby's!" "I'm the steretypical 'challenging female' character!" "I'm the returning main character from the first movie, because they couldn't pay Vin Diesel enough money!" etc etc etc.

I went to my cousin's Halloween party Fri. Night, here are a few pics. Teen Girl Squad!!!!!


James. Benjamin James.

That's all, folks!