Whew. Something weird has been going on the past couple of days. I think maybe I'm depressed, but it's hard to tell. Maybe it's more of a chaos of emotions. Like, I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling at a given moment.

Oh, wait a minute. Now I remember! I'm *CRAZY*! Haha. Silly me.

It's a little disquieting anyway. It was my mother's birthday yesterday and I kept having psychotic episodes, so my dad yelled at me for being such a B*$&% and I decided to show them by sinking into a silent depression. Then my mom cried for an hour tonight because she's a "failure as a mother" because I'm "always unhappy and have felt like an outcast for 9 or 10 years now". Except that I've only been unhappy for about 3 days, and probably because I have nothing to *DO*.... except homework that I don't *want* to do... hee hee... did I mention I'm crazy?

And then dad made cheesecake and everything is better now. Except that he keeps trying to talk to me. I don't *want* to talk to him. We always end up fighting and then he blames it on me. Silly parents.

Now I feel like I *should* feel crazier and more depressed than I actually *do* at the moment, and that's confusing. Garg, stupid neurotransmitters, realign yourselves!!!

I keep fighting with my mom because she wants me to date and I think that's stupid. I'm entirely not interested in dating anyone at all right now, but she can't accept that. She's all "oh, he was looking at you today in church" when #1. No he wasn't, unless he was shocked by the fact that I looked like "The Thing That Just Rolled Out Of Bed", and #2. He's like, a sophomore and #3. He just wasn't. And even if he was (which he wasn't) I'm totally not interested. In anyone. So there. Leave me alone.

But she just can't accept it. She thinks I'm still depressed over the what's-his-bucket thing, which I'm not, and she thinks I have low self confidence, which I don't, and she thinks the only reason I'm not interested in boys right now is because "I've been hurt". Whatever. I just realized that boys are a silly distraction that serve no purpose other than as friends. Beyond that, they're absolutely useless except in causing excess anxiety and dropping my GPA "like stone in water" as Wilson says. They sure as hell aren't going to raise my Calculus grade for me. I'm competing against several of them, after all. And they're going down. All of them. That's right Denver. Wilson. Shannon. Tim. Drew. You best watch your backs. Eat my academic dust.

Show of hands, who thinks I should have been born a man? Anyone?

I keep thinking I'll go out and do something exciting over this break, but I haven't yet. I'm definitely going out tonight, though. I'm going to try to take Anthony, an old friend of mine out, but if that doesn't work I'm just going to go out by myself and write. Maybe I'll see if Raymond wants to go clubbing.

I put up the french Coldplay poster Hannah got me for Christmas, but now it's covering my "Thank You Lord" poster (yes, point and laugh at the dorky Christian, I don't care). I was going to take down the "Thank You Lord" poster and put it somewhere else, but I'd taped it to my wall about 8 or 9 years ago and when I started to peel up the scotch tape the paint kind of.... came with it. Although if the Coldplay poster is there you would see it anyway....

Emotions are wierd. I've been experiencing lots of ups and downs recently. First I'll be wracked with guilt over being a rich American, then I'll be ecstatically happy out of gratitude, then I'll be melancholy over you-know-who. I don't know what I am now. Lazy I guess.

I re-read my diary yesterday, or bits of it anyway. The firist page of it was written on August 1, 2003 and talks about how entirely content I am with my life and how happy I am to be 18, employed, independently minded, and to have a best friend. It was mostly about how happy he made me, I guess. And how he was the guy I had imagined having as a friend at 18 when I was 12 or so. Basically it all felt like a dream come true. Skip ahead a few months and I wrote how "he wasn't the person I thought he was" and "he's turned into the opposite of what he once was". It doesn't get any less sad, no matter how many times I re-live it. I feel like there's a cold well in my heart that brims with icy pain, and it rises towards the top then falls back down in a rhythm. I'm afraid sometimes that the water could rise too high, and spill over the tops of the stones, and drown me in its consuming darkness again. Today I wanted to go to the footbridge overpass and watch the cars speed through the night, just like we used to do. I haven't been there since it happened.

So there's your daily peek into my soul. Make something useful of it.

Someone bought something from the music unites store!!! Whoopee!!! I'm officially $2 richer! Er...make that $1 richer since I split with Hannah.... Anyhow, I'll never see that dollar unless we sell 9 more shirts, and you know what that means... you, my faithful readers must answer the call. Purchase a lovely Music Unites tee with your holiday cash! If you guys actually buy this stuff, I'll put a banner on my blog that says "Supported by Readers Like You" just like on PBS. Okay, fine, I'll have Hannah make the banner and send me the HTML code. But at least it was my idea....

I thought I'd post my Christmas haul for efficiency purposes. I got:

CD's:

John Mayer-Heavier Things
Sarah McLachlan-Afterglow
Moby-Play
Coldplay-Live(w/DVD)
Ben Folds-Live(w/DVD)
The Hours Soundtrack-Phillip Glass
Red Hot Chilli Peppers-Greatest Hits
The White Stripes-Elephant
Josh Groban-Closer

Books:

A Tree Grows In Brooklyn by Betty Smith
East of Eden by John Steinbeck
The Girl With a Pearl Earring by Tracy Chevalier
Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant by Anne Tyler

and cash to boot.

Yes, I have a HUGE family, and grandparents that love to spoil. I don't know how they do it.

So, with a much enriched music collection, I now go to listen...

I wasn't going to write anything tonight, but then Michael left a comment about how he never gets to have nightmares anymore.... so I thought I'd hit you all with this.

The night after the nightmare-fest I had another medley of strong and strange dreams. They weren't quite as coherent (and therefore not as interesting, at least to me) as the previous night, but one thing made them stand out--at one point I was having a Lucid Dream within a dream. That was so cool. For those of you who don't know, a lucid dream is when you realize you're dreaming, *while* you're dreaming. This allows you to a)release all inhibitions and do whatever the hell you want and b)to control your dream world and go totally Matrix on everyone's @$$. It's awesome. However, if you don't lucid dream often or your lucid dreaming is weak (like mine) you may not be confident in the fact that you're dreaming; as in, you may be uncertain about the "okay-ness" of releasing your inhibitions. That makes it less fun, and even more infuriating when you wake up and realize all the fun you could have had.

The other thing about weak lucid dreaming is that when you try to control your dream world, you make encounter problems with your superpowers. I'm out of practice, so the other night, I experienced a little trouble. The first thing I did when I became "aware" of the situation was give myself perfect vision. In my waking life, I'm blind without glasses and sometimes that carries over into my dreams, which is really annoying. Then I think I gave myself some telepathy, and then I made the person I wanted to see appear. The problem was, since I was out of practice my vision would sometimes falter, like an interruption in a TV signal. I could feel myself mentally concentrating harder, and beads of sweat starting to form on my forehead as I fought for control of the dream. It was a little frusterating, and the dream didn't last long, but I'm confident that if I keep at it I'll be able to improve.

Hannah and I were talking about this and we agreed that what we needed was some extended lucid dreaming time to practice our skillz in. It would be awesome if some sleep doctors could send us automatically into a lucid dream state, so we could practice our powers and improve our control. Just like jacking into the Matrix, baby. Oh yeah.

Well. It's over. I have two weeks to party (i.e. read) before I must return to Stalag 14. I went to Silver Dollar City with my grandparents and cousisns today, and it was lovely. Nothing gets you in the spirit like 10 million lights and a musical 5-story Christmas tree. It was marvy marvy marvy. I saw Kristin there, and she helped me pick out taffy. I also bumped into Quigley while waiting for the tram. Apparently you can run, but never hide, from Calculus.

On a less cheery note, I had some truly odd dreams last night. Has anyone seen Final Destination? No? Me niether. But I had a dream that followed the concept, I think. I've been told that in the movie, the characters are constantly being chased by death, and they very nearly die in every possible way. The dream was like that, only it was not just me but also my immediate family. There was all kinds of carnage and dismemberment around us, and as soon as we escaped one thing, another was after us. First there was some weird car in a field that I was certain was going to quarter my brother, so I was trying to get him out of it and then a foreboding looking man started walking toward us. When I finally got him out of the car, some other car on a nearby road explodes and flies into the air, nearly taking our heads off and lading just a few feet away before totally fireballing. So I'm running with my brother in tow away from the burning car and the crazy man, and I get to my front yard but as I start to go into the garage I see a car in there that we don't own and think to myself (as I'm catching on at this point) that it's A--- (one of my dad's business associates) and he is certainly going to shoot us. Sure enough, he comes out of the house and levels a pistol at me, mad as hell at my dad over some "business deal". He seems to be contemplating if he should shoot us or not, just out of spite, and it appears he's leaning towards yes. He fires and I'm dodging bullets left and right (this part was kinda cool except for the blind terror). Then some other stuff happened. Other things tried to kill me. I dunno.

I woke up from that and was still pretty scared, then went back to sleep and had another dream. In this one, *he* was the new lead singer of some local rock band, and he was actually pretty good at it. The situation between us was still the same as it is in real life though, and I had the feeling that he was trying to win me back with his rock-starry-ness. All the songs were very nihlistic and depressing though, so it just made me sadder. He kept looking at me and I kind of acted like it didn't bother me any more, but it did because everything was so depressing. Alison was a big fan of the band he was in, though to be fair she liked them before *he* became lead singer. Other stuff happened. I think I went on some kind of mission, or had to solve a puzzle or a crime or do something important.... but that happens in all my dreams. That was pretty much the only fun part. That and the part where I swung on a rope from a rooftop across a gap or a bridge or something.... yeah...

I saw him on the way to SDC today. I was in the back of my grandparent's car and we were stopped at the highway intersection by my house and he pulls up to stop going the other way, reading to take the road in my neighborhood. There was a girl in the passenger seat but I couldn't tell who it was. I don't think he saw me at all, but I got a good look at him. He was laughing and talking to the girl. That made me feel a little bit better. I hope he's getting more joy out of life.

I think that's long enough for now. More later.

::sigh:: I hate hate. I really do. Life is so much more complicated these days; especially politically. I'm doing all I can to make a positive impact on the world, but I guess no matter what you do people are going to hate you.

Like how most of the world hates America. Maybe I'm just oversensitive, but it really hurts my feelings. I'm doing my best! Is my best not good enough?? From what I can tell, most of the kids my age in Europe and other developed countries have lives very similar to mine; they attend school, enjoy music and movies, etc. Even the same music and movies. Plus we're all young and idealistic... but they still hate us. What is the use of hate? Why do we have to hate each other? It's really difficult for me to deal with someone hating my country so much. This country is part of who I am, and the rest of the world thinks we're terrible people.... it makes me so sad.

I honestly can't think of a single person, country, race, or religion I harbor hate for. What's the use of it? Can't we all just get along??

I have so much to do I think I'm going to lose my mind. If I can just make it through these next two days.... just two days!!!! I know that I should probably just sit down and get it done, but I'm watching Risky Business as I do my homework. I decided it would do me good, since the movie's about this uptight overachiever who's feeling the pressure from his yuppie parents, so he goes crazy while they're away and pulls off a huge operation. No, I'm not going to start a prostitute business, but it would be nice to pull off some kind of shenanigan and never get caught... maybe break a rule or two for once in my life.

But movies are movies and life is life.

PS-- This is très cool. My Music Personality

The poetry slam was tonight, and there ended up being about 20 people filter in and out over the course of about and hour and a half. There was some good reading, I can declare it a success, though of course not as successful as the last one.

As promised (threatened) I hereby declare Rachel, Kristin, Charlee, Alison, and Laura to all be poopy heads. I would call Heather a poopy head, but she doesn't have her own blog, so I'll just tell her in person. ;) So yeah. Poopy heads. The lot of you.

Sam saw me at the mall yesterday and scared the living crap out of me. I was standing in line at Old Navy with my mom (not by choice necessarily) and I hear a male voice behind me say "Hello". I said hello back without looking, expecting it to be someone from school (actually I think I've just been desensitized to saying hello, since there are *SO* many people at school to acknowledge everyday) but when I turned around I saw Sam standing there. For some reason it just really caught me off guard, and I freaked a little for a few minutes. I just really didn't expect to see him there. At the mall. I really tend to see Sam around town more than just about anyone else, except maybe Janae. It's weird. I never just see Hannah by accident, but the people who I don't hang out with much I end up running into. Maybe that's just life's way of balancing things out.

I read a poem tonight that I wrote in about 10 minutes, about AIDS in Africa. I'm sure I'll post it sometime soon, but now I have to go study Calculus for my quiz tomorrow. Yay.

Peace out.

Fine. I'm posting. =P

Sam tried to play a mean trick on me Friday night, but I saw through the ruse. He pretended to be a mutual friend of ours (on his own screen name---nice going) and proceeded to attempt to draw me out on many charges... none of which I confessed to. What I *didn't* know was that our other mutual friend, Eryn (the seemingly perfect man), was in on it too. He had been decieving me right along with Sam, even prentending to be Sam at one point. I have to give him props for his impersonation though. It was perfect to the letter, except maybe a little nicer.... ;)

My party was Saturday night, and people said they had fun. I sure hope they did. I tried to liven it up, but people just seemed to want to sit around.... I need some more crazy friends. I miss Jessica, one of the few people I know who's crazier than me in a good way. She's in L. A. right now, becoming a star. She even got invited to the Pacino's (think Al Pacino) for a dinner party. She should be coming home over Christmas though, so we can go clubbing!!! (Raymond, you wanna come along...? =P)

The poetry slam is tomorrow night, and all you "close" friends better show up!!! I mean it!!! *And* you have to read something or else I'll.... I'll.... libel you on my blog! Ha! ::ahem::

I don't know if I mentioned this yet, but I'm going to try to get a campaign going at my school (with the sponsorship of NHS) to raise money and awareness for AIDS in Africa. If any of you (read: Jenny and Sam) could help me with this, I'd be much obliged. Any suggestions are welcome.

I'm actually going shopping tonight... yes, I got some money from chores, so now I can buy my immediate family presents. And Katelyn a present for her birthday. And maybe even my English Club shirt. Yeah. I won't have enough money for all that. ::sigh::

This afternoon I baked four and a half-dozen sugar cookies (with icing) for the party, thought it looks as though the very existence of the party may be threatened due to the possibility of large amounts of snow coming in Friday night. I hope I hope I hope everyone can still come!!!

We had our all-choirs Christmas Concert tonight, and I finally got to sing Fruitcake with the past graduates. It's something I've looked forward to for my whole life. I know that may sound sad, but it's just been a part of me for so long. Since I've been about 9 years old I've had this heart-wrenching desire to wear that gold robe.... and sing Fruitcake. ::sigh::

At the concert were *his* mother and older sister, because *his* younger sister is in Chorus 2. He wasn't there, though. Nonetheless, I was standing near where his mother and sister were sitting, and it was hard not to look at them. At one point I looked too long and started reminiscing--before I stopped myself. I didn't give the tears much of a head start, they were forced into submission before they were fully formed. His mom saw me after the concert, smiling, and I smiled back. I wonder if she understands what happened. Probably not.

Anyway, I saw this on Charlee's blog tonight, and it pretty much describes the theme of my life during the past couple of months.

"In life, we never know how far we have moved on and grown until we look back upon the others who had to be left behind. From the termoils, mistakes, and steps that must have taken place in order to keep yourself from falling but yet going on farther away from the people you knew--that is how we grow into ourselves. The milestones that are reached are not exactly noticable while we are there, but as we reflect upon where we used to be and where are other friends are, we realize how far we have come in order to achieve this distance. It isn't easy to keep going when you know you have to leave your comrades behind, yet it is essential for survival. Some may see it has cold or heartless even though it really isn't. They will soon see that someday they will face similar challenges and will be required to do so if they truly do not want to fall back."

Amen. And beautifully written. Yay for Charlee.

So I checked my phone last night and there was a message from Emily saying tha The Cookie was closed! I called and got an answering machine message informing me that The Cookie had closed on December 5 and wouldn't reopen! I was extremely upset, because I *love* that place and where *else* are we going to watch cool art house movies??? However, I decided that since I had told a bunch of people that they had BETTER COME, I would go ahead and go to The Cookie to meet people as they arrived, so they wouldn't just show up and find a dark locked building. I figured we could go to the mudhouse instead or something like that. Of course I was still quite disappointed, since the only way to get a copy of Chance is to buy it with a movie poster and signed photo for $45, which is money I don't have. I searched the net for a long time trying to find an alternative, but there wasn't one because Amber doesn't have a proper distributer. I was very sad indeed. I just missed probably my only opportunity to see the movie.

When Courtney and I got there, we saw a light on and some people moving around the kitchen. I thought they were just cleaning up shutting down, etc, but Courtney said we should go ahead and ask. So we went in and talked to the people in there, and the owner, Steve, said that he was closed but they were going to go ahead and watch the movie, and not only did he invite us to join them, but he said we could help ourselves to the fridge since he was out of business anyway! I had a berry Fuze and Courtney got a bottle of water and a cactus Fuze. I called Heather to tell her what was up, and she showed up a few minutes later. Long story short: we got to see the movie! I was so excited. One of Steve's friends, a woman who was there, had bought a copy over the internet and had also gone to Birmingham to see the premier! And get this-- not only did she *meet* Amber Benson, but she gave her a *hug*!!! W00t!!!

The movie was really good, though I'll have to admit I probably wouldn't have liked it nearly as much if James Marsters hadn't played the leading guy. He was so incredibly adorable, and he still had his Spike hairstyle because I think they filmed this while he was having to film Buffy. It was awesome to see him in regular jean-and-tee-shirt clothes, and even in a *dress* at one point... though that's a long story.

Needless to say, the woman who had bought the movie was a HUGE Buffy fan, and we talked for several minutes about Buffy-this and Buffy-that and which season was the best and yadda yadda yadda, much to the bafflement of the other people in the room, who I guess were also Steve's friends and aged from Gen-X to mid 40's. The woman herself was probably in her late 30's, so it was really hilarious that we were just going on and on about this show while my friends and her friends looked on in confusion. It was great, and I learned a lot, like how there's seminars on just Buffy, and people write papers and analyses on it, about symbolism and pop culture and all kinds of stuff.

It was very cool.

Then Courtney and I went to the Mudhouse, because I *thought* Heather was meeting us there but apparently she got freaked out about downtown and decided not to. I did see Janae and her friend Peter there, though, which was cool. I always run into people at the mudhouse, every time I go there, and I often frun into the Shorts in particular downtown. We talked for a bit and she was looking at the new issue of Spin magazine, which had a beautiful picture of Chris Martin on it (Coldplay, band of the year!) so I drooled over that for a bit.

Then Courtney and I got into a discussion about sort of a romance situation she was thinking of getting involved with, and I was telling her that the guy had serious psychological problems and the age difference was unnatural (and I was very right). While arguing with her, I noticed that sitting at the table next to us was a man who appeared to be about 46, and he was sitting alone and halfway pretending to read a book while actally looking at us as much as possible and listening in on our conversation. This went on for several minutes, but I ignored it until he actually butted in on our conversation and said something about how age doesn't matter in true love, or something to that effect, but I couldn't really understand very well what he said because he spoke so softly, and I didn't want to ask him to repeat it becuase I knew I wouldn't understand him even if he said it again (don't you hate that?). Anyway, he was taking Courtney's side, and I would have argued with him if it weren't for the facts that a) he was a 46 year old man sitting alone and watching us b)he was butting in on a private conversation he knew nothing about and c)I knew I hadn't understood precisely what he'd said and I didn't feel like arguing with someone I couldn't properly hear. So, I just sort of ignored him and went back to talking to Courtney, and when one of us said something about the argument we were having, he once again leaned in and said "I just ended it", and looked pretty self satisfied and smug, as though he had thoroughly blown my argument to pieces (which he hadn't) and had entirely settled the issue (which he hadn't) and had entirely defeated me (which he hadn't). I was extremely annoyed, but decided to reserve the rest of the conversation for the car, where I could have a private discussion with my friend.

So annoying.

Janae and Peter had been absent from our table at this time, while Janae talked to a (very hot) friend of hers that had just walked in. When they returned, Peter shook the man's hand said something about inviting him to a church, in a perfect and admirable display of friendliness, manners, and Christ-like love. I was quite jealous of him for being so smooth with the man, who I would prefer to have no future contact with. Even after Courtney and I started ignoring him, I noticed that he kept looking at us and at times his book was actually upside down. I mean come on, he could have at least pretended to be reading it.

I stayed up til midnight last nigth putting together a presentation/discussion outline for "The Hours" today in English Club, and guess what.... hardly anyone showed up. Out of those there, only 5 had read the book, and out of those 5, 2 were teachers. ::Sigh::

Speaking of English Club, we're going to see Chance tomorrow night at the Cookie. Should be oodles of fun, I've wanted to see this for 3 years. It was written/produced as well as starred Amber Benson (aka Tara) and features James Marsters (aka Spike). Whoopee!

I made someone very happy tonight. I'm not really quite sure how it happened, I just sort of told him he was very stupid, and all of a sudden he loved me. Quite odd, but nice. I hadn't spoken to him in years, and he's quite lovely.

PS--Really, *WHO* left the *NOXEMA* in my *BATHROOM*????

PPS--If you were invited to my party, *PLEASE* RSVP as the handmade invitation requested. Please? Thank you.

Whew! I am so busy! I still have a bunch of schoolwork to do, so I better get crackin'. Jenny posted something today that I have always wondered about: wiggers (btw i *hate* that word, but there isn't another to describe them). Full story here. Another cultural "conundrum" I have: why is it that when a race has a certain culture, such as "hip hop" or whatever you want to call it, anyone who trashes that culture (by saying it's ignorant or something like that) is labled a "racist", whereas if you trash the "hillbilly" culture (and it *is* a culture), that's perfectly okay, because it's a subculture of whites? And believe me, hillbilly culture is trashed all the time. Yes, it's true, there are a lot of ignorant, trashy people out there, but not all folks labled "hillbilly" are that way. I don't talk with a twang or own any pigs, but my grandparents came from small country towns, and bluegrass gospel is part of our heritage. It just seems kind of unfair.

PS-which one o'yall left that noxema in my downstairs bathroom???

You can see a recent conversation I had with michael here. I'm the "A Friend" yay!

I had a very strange dream this morning. I was in my room, and someone brings in a baby girl for me to see. She's probably about 18 months or so, starting to stand. They tell me she can do a trick, if I hold her hands, so I do and she sort of puts the soles of her feet on my legs so that I was holding her up.... then she sort of did a dance. And while she danced, she split into twins, attached a certain points, Siamese style. Then she split into quads. Then I put her down, and she divided again, and shank, into translucent, fetal-looking organisms. Then they sort of curled up like little clear beetles, and reminded me of something from "Minority Report". I then recall traveling somewhere else.... to a house in the mountains, I think, and the translucent beetle-fetuses coming with me, only they continued morphing. Soon they were back into one being, this time a middle aged, skinny, kind of homeless looking man. He was a mutant, I think with the ability of telekinesis. Later he returned to the form of a two-year-old girl, and looking from my room across the hallway into the bathroom, I could see drops of water on the tile floor, sizzling as though in a skillet. When I stepped into the room I could see "her/him/beetle fetus" levitating the water in the toilet. I think more accurately "his/her/beetle" power was controlling water, like Magneto controls metal. "Her/Him/Beetle Fetus" continued to morph into different characters throughout the dream, though I of course was not surprised by this at all, and I knew it was always the same person, just in different forms. I always felt the same... presence. The presence I felt was that of an adult, someone on an equal intellectual level with me, and a human mutant. I was "his" friend... I believe he was intrinsically male.

We traveled to many places and did many things. It was a very interesting dream.

This makes me shiver. I wrote it with Michael about three years ago, but it's close to what happened to me three months ago..... even his name is the same.

There's always some kind of prophesy happening in my life.

I wonder what it is today.

Mwahahahaha.... click if you dare.

Whew. I just spent the entire evening creating 20 invitations for my Christmas party. I bought some (relatively) cheap blank cards at Hallmark, then cut out 20 *very* unique paper snowflakes, and glued them on the front of the cards. I searched the internet for a worthy font, then typed out a cordial invitation, printed twenty copies, cut them out, and glued them *inside* the cards. After waiting for the glue to dry (i.e. watching the tail end of The Princess Bride on TV) I put them all in their cute little envelopes, sealed them with my cute wax sealing set (breathing in a great deal of smoke), and wrote the names of the recipients on the outside in calligraphy with quill and inkwell.

All in all, very productive, except that I haven't studied any Calculus or Hamlet yet, and I didn't put in any research hours for my dad's internet project. There aren't enough hours in the day.

Today Madrigal went to sing for South Haven Baptist Church's "Young at Heart" group (read: very nice old people who cook us lots and lots of food!!). We sang for the "Arc of the Ozarks" banquet at the Tower Club last night, but they didn't feed us anything, and they just kind of stared at us, so it didn't hold a candle to South Haven. After singing, they feed us *mucho* yummy Christmas food. Turkey, mashed potatoes, dressing, 50 kinds of jello salad and CHOCOLATE CAKE. It was definitely worth missing Calculus, though I'll probably never catch up now. Oh well.

Sam has posted a lovely speech about Christianity and the Arts on Pianists and Pilgrims . So what if he makes me feel worthless? He's a genius.

I'm trying to decide if I should invite the former object of my dysfunction to my Christmas party. It might prove to everyone one and for all that I don't hate him, and it really wouldn't bother me, and it would be a nice gesture, but.... you know. There's still the "psycho" factor. I could completely loose it for no reason and go out of my mind. Then my pretty party would be ruined. ::sigh::

Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them. ---Tanner