What Are You Doing New Years?

I still don't know what I'm doing New Years, and it's tomorrow night. I sort of have a lot of options, and I sort of don't. It's hard to get things together; I'm not sure what's going on. So if you know of a really, really awesome party that I could bring all my friends to, hook me up. This will be my first New Years (since I was a kid) where I won't be attending the traditional party with my old group of friends--sorry guys, but you know you don't really care about me all that much anyway, and the group isn't what it used to be. People are married, people have kids, people are on the other side of the world getting shot at, people are living miles and miles away, people have girlfriends or boyfriends or no friends at all. I don't even know if you're having the party anymore; if you are, I haven't been told.

My life always changes in some way or another on New Years, and though I've had high hopes for this year's end, the closer it gets the less sure I am that anything fantastic will happen. I had hopes that I might share it with someone... new, but that never materialized. As depressing as it sounds, I'm probably going to end up watching the ball drop alone, stuffing my face with chocolates, swigging carbonated grape juice, and moaning out "Auld Lang Syne" off-key.

New Years used to be the most anticipated and exciting night of the year for me, back when we had our yearly bashes and everyone wanted to make the night special. Things were always beginning or changing or ending on New Year's Eve. This year I'll probably just go to bed early because I have to work in the morning.

I know this whole post sounds overly whiny and melodramatic, but hey, that's what I'm good at, right? And anyway, I know I've got lots of great friends who would be happy to join in the off-key chorus, but I'm just feeling a little disconnected. Again, things are changing. Which is what New Year's is supposed to be about, I guess. Perhaps, as usual, I'm afraid of the change--afraid that it's going to change for the worse. But that's just me; afraid of change, because I'm so terrified of losing the things and people that I love. Anytime things change, people move in, move out, move around. People come in and out of my life and sometimes it seems like I'm powerless to stop it. I try so desperately to hold on, to keep things the way they are, that I forget about what could be coming, forget that it could be just what I'm looking for.

I guess I just want us all to be okay.

The Return of Quizilla!

Be afraid.... very afraid....

You can blame Kecky for this, of course. Who else would send me a "Who's Your Disney Guy?" quiz? The funny thing is, I knew I'd get this one.... he was always my favorite, and darn it, I don't care if he's a cartoon character, I still think he's hot. The hottest Disney guy there ever was.


The Beast


Who's Your Ideal Disney Guy?
brought to you by Quizilla

I.... JUST.... CAN'T..... STOP.....

OH GOD, someone please extract the mouse from my sumo-death-grip-claws and keep me away from all monitors. FACEBOOK IS TAKING OVER MY LIFE. I have a French final at 8 in the morning and it's nearly midnight but am I studying? NO. I am FACEBOOKING. It's evil, I tell, you! It's from the devil! I'm a facebook addict, somebody save me from myself!

A Depressing Christmas Wish

I am very sad and freaked out. Hopefully this will pass, as these are not very constructive emotions. UNLESS...... they help me to actually write a short story I've been wanting to get out of my head and into Microsoft Word.... yes, yes my pretty ::rubs hands together maniacally:: some feelings of isolation and paranoia are just what we need... yes...

I wish I could sink into obscurity for winter break and not have to talk to anyone or do anything but sit in a cabin in the middle of a snowy forest and write this short story about an insane girl. I can feel depression reaching for me like a lover, and honestly I would like nothing more than having the luxury of sinking into it for the next six weeks and becoming a crazy hermit writer. Ironically, this is what my crazy heroine does--she lives in a cabin in the woods (with her doctors in the next cabin down) as a form of therapy. I wish I didn't have to suck it up and interact with people, but I do not have a choice as it is a)Christmas and b)the Christmas Retail Season, aka frenzied death time. What do the words "Saturday in December" mean to most of you? Christmas decorations, shopping sprees, warm fires, hot chocolates? Not when you work in retail.

Fortunately, I had enough subtle male affection tonight to elevate my mood to the point where I was able to make it through this shift of SELLING HOLIDAY CHEER DAMMIT but I don't know if that's going to continue enough for me to make it through the rest of this month. I usually love Christmas, even at work, because the hours go by when you're busy, but when I'm edging towards depression like this I just want to curl up in a corner and stare a wall for six hours. As nice as it would be to actually express and work through my issues, I'm afraid the timing is bad, and I'll have to fake it for the rest of the month. It's good that I'll be busy, because that's the only way to make it--stay so busy that I can ignore the abyss of my mind. So I'll still have to go to work, but if I drop off of the social scene, you'll know why. I'm keeping myself company until I'm ready to face the world again.

I should write a song called Christmas Cocoon Crash.

New Stuff...

I added and deleted some links on the side, because many were out-of-date and lots of people just got blogs all of a sudden. If you're too lazy to look over there and try to figure out what's different, I organized them alphabetically and added Sam, Eryn, and Josh.

I definitely think it's time for a new template... Hannah..... ?