A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow--
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone ?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand--
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep--while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

---Edgar Allen Poe

So I went crazy on a couple more guys in Team Sports today. I yelled at one guy for being mean (stealing the ball from me) and another for touching me (blocking). I really can't stand basketball anymore. I mean, I like it okay if I'm somewhat evenly matched and no one is touching me, but when people get all up in my face when I'm trying to do something, or they're invading my personal space, I get very, very cranky. It's not pretty. And this is the second time I've yelled at each of these guys. I feel kinda bad for them, especially the "touching" one. But what can I do, the whole situation just makes me want to scream.

On the plus side, I'm much less attracted to men right now. This whole "Gym Class" thing is really good for my anti-dating program.

Ok, so I've been eating about the same as usual, but exercising for about an hour a day in Team Sports.

I haven't lost a bloody pound.

What's the deal?

I decided to go out when Eryn called me, even though I didn't really fee like it. I am infinitely glad that I did.

I had the most amazing conversation with Josiah. We talked for over two hours. He opened my eyes to some things that I had never quite understood, and he reminded me of things that I knew but had either forgotten or ignored.

He made me understand once and for all that we are bearers of light. We are children of God, we are vessels of the holy spirit, and as such, we are sons and daughters of unutterable worth. He revealed to me my issues with humility, guilt, and martyrdom. He reminded me of the most important thing; the lie that society has drummed into us since birth: we are *not* what we do. What we do is *not* who we are. Who we are is what God created us to be.

I know this paragraph is entirely inadequate to convey the weight of these concepts, and cannot compare in impact with a two-hour conversation. Still, I hope you all, Christian or not, meditate on these statements for just a few moments, because when I did, my outlook changed so radically that I know I will be living differently this week. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders-- I feel so free.

I hope you all discover how much you are worth.

Hannah and I went out to the Blue Room last night, again. The first band (which I can't remember the name of) was okay, even though they just played covers. Then about 50 drunken college students poured into the place to see Halfblind, who was having so many technical difficulties that by the time they started playing we got tired of hearing "woo" from the drunks and left.

The one good thing was that she showed me a cool new record store downtown, Indigo. It's very cool.

I wanted to go out tonight but I haven't been able to reach anyone. I think I'll just stay in and read some more of "A Tree Grows In Brooklyn", which I really love so far.

I forgot to mention it before but last Sunday night some JERKWAD torched the library!!! Not the whole thing, but enough to damage 15,000 books from smoke and water damage, and screw the place up pretty bad. ARGHHH!!!!! I was so mad when I first heard about it.... I almost cried. I just kept picturing a copy of Jane Eyre going up in smoke... ::tear::

I may drive myself out of my mind with this Drury Scholarship thing. Really. I want it *SOOO* bad. I've had my eye on it for years now.... oh please oh please oh please.....

I'm looking for a job, but so far, no luck. I really hope I get one soon, I'm really bored and I need the money.

I dreamed that I went to "South Africa" last night. The quotations are because I'm sure it was nothing like real South Africa, it was "Natalie's Dream South Africa". I think Michael and I took a bus there. And met "Jenny" (Michael was like in real life, but Jenny was dream-weird. sorry Jenny.). Hannah was there too, but she wouldn't take off her giant tee shirt(she had a swimsuit underneath, sickos) when we went swimming in a fun "South African" pond by the magic tree from Little Buddah. Then I got a leech on my ankle, but I wasn't sure if it was a regular leech that I could pull off or a freaky "South African" leech that I should... do something different to.

I wonder what Freud would have to say about all that.


He'd probably say I want to have sex with leeches in South Africa.

So who watched the President's speech last night? I have to say, I agreed with pretty much everything he said. He's talking about increasing Pell Grants for students who take advanced classes in high school! Yay!

He also named off about 25 nations that have committed troops to Iraq. I wasn't aware there were that many.

I read Girl With A Pearl Earring yesterday. In one day. It was really good, and all I did all day was read it, because it was the first day of the semester, so we did nothing. Today was slightly more exciting; I got hit in the head with a basketball. I hate Team Sports. It sucks. He made us run, and we had to do stretches on the filthy weight room floor. I still feel dirty. I'm taking a shower now.

I've been watching too much TV lately, I feel like I need some exercise.

I'm like a cat that lies around all day and then spazzes out all of a sudden and runs around the house, knocking over lamps and junk.

Ooohh, maybe I should write my Cappies review.....

The results are in!!!

I somehow pulled off a 94% on my Calculus final, dragging up my class grade to 90.7%. I GOT AN "A" IN CALCULUS, BABY!!!! Woo-hoo!

I took my 100 Question AP Psych final in like, 15 minutes and got a 94% on it. I love that class.

Well, 1st semester is officially over, which means I have no worries this weekend. Well, not entirely. I have to finish my Trustee Scholarship package, write a proposal for my AIDS campaign, attend and write a review for a Cappies show, and start looking for a job.

But that's all fun stuff, right?

I swear I didn't rig it.


Lord of the Rings!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla


Tomorrow is the day of days. My AP Lit and Calculus finals. Lord help me.

It's official. The girls in my Calculus class (including me) are getting black shirts with hot pink lettering that say "I Survived" on the front and "The Calculus" on the back.

Tomorrow begins finals week. I may die.

In other news, I'm getting a cold, and my parents are forcing me to get a job. Which I was planning on doing anyway. But annoying, nonetheless.

Gragh. I have to write a 4-5 page research paper tonight. Sure, it's a rough draft (read: BS) but still. Stupid English. Stupid Paper. Stupid Kafka.

I'm being interviewed for the school paper about my AIDS campaign, and by the way I finally figured out what I'm going to do. I'm going to have a table in the student center during lunch, where we'll hand out fact sheets and collect donations. I'll put up all kinds of posters too. In addition, I need to schedule a January Poetry Slam. Whew. Maybe I should get started...

I just read Heart of Darkness in one day. I think it probably took me 5 BLEEDING hours but I read it. Tomorrow I tackle The Metamorphosis and write annotations. Lord help me.

And I swore I wasn't going to procrastinate.

I had a manic episode last night. It was weird. I ran around the park then climbed up 75 feet into a pine tree.

I had a vision today of a future and a life I could be happy with until I die. All that stands in my way is the question of whether or not I have the balls to do it. Or if it's even possible.

We're having a formal Valentine's Day Party and that's just that. This red dress is coming out of the closet and onto the dance floor.

Okay, so I'm less crazy now. I think. Here's how it went down:

I went to a New Year's Party with all my old friends. It was nice seeing them again but I was still feeling weird so I just kind of drifted around silently and didn't speak to anyone (except Michael) for a few hours. Then the dancing started. I didn't really feel like dancing, but Michael sort of forced me to, and I guess I started feeling a little better, though I wasn't ever exactly carefree.

This is the clencher, and for those of you who know whom I am speaking of, please refrain from naming names, out of respect for ::sigh:: him.

I saw an old friend there whom I hadn't seen in a few months nor really spoken to in over a year. I was once again reminded that he was entirely perfect in every way; at least for me and most of the girls I know. He has the wisdom of C.S. Lewis, and that is the most defining trait, but he is also endlessly creative, kind, and strong as well as self-posessed. He is more eager to listen than to speak, but is a great leader in his own quiet way. In short, he would be the perfect husband, for me or just about anyone.

He is entirely unattainable.

Please don't misunderstand, I am not in love with this man. I don't know him nearly well enough for that. This is simple observation and logic. Hannah can attest, it is pure truth, unfiltered and undistorted. It is a matter of reason. He is perfect, but I will never be good enough for him.

What does it feel like, when you know you'll never be good enough for someone, because they're so far above you that you could never measure up? Out of love and respect for him, I would never pursue him; he deserves much better than I.

All I know is that he is the only man I've ever met that I know I could submit to entirely in a purely Christian marriage; not just because he's the man, but because I would always trust his judgement over my own.

So I leave with a question: who have you known (names not necessary) who is entirely unattainable, and why? What makes someone unattainable, and what is the price we pay for paying homage to their grace?